I have a difficult confession to make. I am SHG…(Susceptible to Holding Grudges). I am not proud of this…especially because the Bible focuses a lot of forgiveness and how not-good it is to hold grudges…but I struggle.
I remember when I was little and I would get mad at my mom and go to sleep angry. I would wake up the next morning feeling a better, but I’d stay in bed and work myself back up before going downstairs where I could hear her putting dishes away. I’d get down there with a scowl painted on my face and she would say in her classic sing-song voice, “Nope! Today is a new day!” And continue conversation until I couldn’t resist getting over it. Kids are so easy.
My husband was visiting my nephews this weekend and I asked to talk to them on the phone. He warned me that the older one (7 Years Old) was upset. He got on the phone and showed me his hurt in the way he pathetically said, “Helloooo?”. I greeted him and asked why he sounded sad. He went on to explain that he asked his brother (6 Years Old) not to throw the ball “over there”, but he did anyway. This child is precious and sweet…and notorious for becoming upset (ESPECIALLY when it comes to games/sports/anything remotely competitive, bless his heart). So I asked, “Have you forgiven him yet?”. He reluctantly replied, “Nooooo”. So I explained, “Okay, I’ll give you 5 minutes to be mad, but then you have to hug him and tell him you love him and forgive him so you can keep having fun.” He was totally accepting of that plan and carried it out without complaint.
I thought about his understanding reaction to my challenge and wondered where I had gone wrong. The idea of getting over something so you can “keep having fun” doesn’t end when you’re young. I have seen what holding on to hurt does to my heart…it hardens it. It separates me from people I love and the One who calls me to love and forgive. Somewhere along the line I started building walls around my heart and holding grudges to protect myself. If I ever felt wronged or hurt by someone I cherished, I felt it necessary to redefine our relationship almost instantly. Not because I didn’t love them anymore, but because I didn’t want to feel hurt again. If I got to have the control and create a safe boundary for myself from my dear friend or family member, my thinking was that I would be totally protected. I’ve reflected a lot on this unhealthy habit of mine lately, and I’m realizing the fatal flaw. I will be totally alone.
If I live my life carrying out this “fool proof” plan, I will have nobody. Because what is more selfish than having a relationship with someone that is totally focused on their personal feelings? Who wants to be friends with a person that will give up on you if you are, God forbid, fallible? My fear has crippled me. I can see it in my former friendships and I can see it as I wrestle with creating new ones. The fear of being hurt can be so strong and causes me to retreat. I use to think what I was doing was healthy. I thought by redefining relationships to fit what I was comfortable with was what was best for us both…but in reality I cut people off from letting me love them well. There is no excuse for that. Not with the Holy Spirit residing in my heart.
I am on a mission to forgive like a child again. God wasn’t kidding when He said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” -Matthew 18:3. No over-thinking, No calculated plans, No fear…they just forgive and move on. Kids have it figured out! It is never to late to surrender ugly parts of yourself and see how God makes them beautiful. Not even a lifetime of unhealthy habits can hinder the work of a loving God.
I am excited to trust God with my SHG and watch as He lets that crippling fire go out in my heart. What freedom that will bring.
Love,
Sarah
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