skschahrer

New Beginnings

In the blink of an eye, my husband and I have entered into a season of new beginnings. I truly thought we would never be done with our season of hurt and seemingly unending trial, but here we are. Standing in fresh air without a dark cloud in the sky.

I read this verse yesterday and it resonated with me completely:

“We went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.” Psalm 66:12

I am an extremely habitual person. I thrive in predictable environments and strict routines, so I am one that struggles deeply with transitions. I have never been good with change, including closing doors to seasons of life and anticipating the newness that awaits.

I am currently pregnant with our first baby and my husband and I moved to a new city where he has a new job. All things we have prayed for diligently over the last couple years with no sign that any of them would truly come to fruition. We watched as those close to us got their dream jobs and had their perfect babies while we were stuck in a hallway of closed doors. There were many times I would cry over my beautiful dreams and plans not going the way I imagined. It was heartbreaking to watch my husband apply for jobs, dream out loud about our life there, and then be told, “no”. It seemed like every area of our life was being told “no”…from our dream to move, have a family, work in a field my husband enjoys…And God took an abstract route, but He or his here. And if I wasn’t careful, I would see ourselves still stuck in the season God has graciously closed the door to. Every closed door has gotten us to now…and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Transitioning into this season requires work, though. I have been so lost in the mindset of anticipating pain, that it’s tempting to let everything filter through that lens.The dangerous part of that is that you can always see pain if that’s what you’re looking for. I spent so much time trying to protect myself from the massive waves that consumed me, that I moved into our fresh season with my eyes squeezed shut…only to open them to calm seas. Beautiful water, breathtaking skies. A new season.

I find myself now celebrating our change of pace. I am (surprisingly) enjoying anticipating new relationships and a new routine. My mission now is to rest in God’s faithfulness and grace. Be thankful for the smooth transition and new mercies that greet me every morning. And avoid flinching at the sight of a wave on the horizon. I know there is goodness and beauty ahead.

Do you find yourself flinching because of past hurts? How has God redeemed your past and opened doors to peaceful living for you?

Love,

Sarah

SHG

I have a difficult confession to make. I am SHG…(Susceptible to Holding Grudges). I am not proud of this…especially because the Bible focuses a lot of forgiveness and how not-good it is to hold grudges…but I struggle.

I remember when I was little and I would get mad at my mom and go to sleep angry. I would wake up the next morning feeling a better, but I’d stay in bed and work myself back up before going downstairs where I could hear her putting dishes away. I’d get down there with a scowl painted on my face and she would say in her classic sing-song voice, “Nope! Today is a new day!” And continue conversation until I couldn’t resist getting over it. Kids are so easy.

My husband was visiting my nephews this weekend and I asked to talk to them on the phone. He warned me that the older one (7 Years Old) was upset. He got on the phone and showed me his hurt in the way he pathetically said, “Helloooo?”. I greeted him and asked why he sounded sad. He went on to explain that he asked his brother (6 Years Old) not to throw the ball “over there”, but he did anyway. This child is precious and sweet…and notorious for becoming upset (ESPECIALLY when it comes to games/sports/anything remotely competitive, bless his heart). So I asked, “Have you forgiven him yet?”. He reluctantly replied, “Nooooo”. So I explained, “Okay, I’ll give you 5 minutes to be mad, but then you have to hug him and tell him you love him and forgive him so you can keep having fun.” He was totally accepting of that plan and carried it out without complaint.

I thought about his understanding reaction to my challenge and wondered where I had gone wrong. The idea of getting over something so you can “keep having fun” doesn’t end when you’re young. I have seen what holding on to hurt does to my heart…it hardens it. It separates me from people I love and the One who calls me to love and forgive. Somewhere along the line I started building walls around my heart and holding grudges to protect myself. If I ever felt wronged or hurt by someone I cherished, I felt it necessary to redefine our relationship almost instantly. Not because I didn’t love them anymore, but because I didn’t want to feel hurt again. If I got to have the control and create a safe boundary for myself from my dear friend or family member, my thinking was that I would be totally protected. I’ve reflected a lot on this unhealthy habit of mine lately, and I’m realizing the fatal flaw. I will be totally alone.

If I live my life carrying out this “fool proof” plan, I will have nobody. Because what is more selfish than having a relationship with someone that is totally focused on their personal feelings? Who wants to be friends with a person that will give up on you if you are, God forbid, fallible? My fear has crippled me. I can see it in my former friendships and I can see it as I wrestle with creating new ones. The fear of being hurt can be so strong and causes me to retreat. I use to think what I was doing was healthy. I thought by redefining relationships to fit what I was comfortable with was what was best for us both…but in reality I cut people off from letting me love them well. There is no excuse for that. Not with the Holy Spirit residing in my heart.

I am on a mission to forgive like a child again. God wasn’t kidding when He said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” -Matthew 18:3. No over-thinking, No calculated plans, No fear…they just forgive and move on. Kids have it figured out! It is never to late to surrender ugly parts of yourself and see how God makes them beautiful. Not even a lifetime of unhealthy habits can hinder the work of a loving God.

I am excited to trust God with my SHG and watch as He lets that crippling fire go out in my heart. What freedom that will bring.

Love,

Sarah

Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment

God has a funny way of teaching lessons in unexpected ways. My husband, Danny, and I have been through a series of unfortunate events since before we were married. It seems that just as we begin to catch our breath, we are forced under water again.

This past Thursday, we were running errands and I confessed my heart to Danny about my frustrations with his response to our grief. I am very affected by people’s emotions… especially their hurt. When my mom was going through chemo, I could hardly focus on what was in front of me because all I wanted was to be everything she needed at all times. Danny responds differently to hard times. He typically relies on me to relay information to him and, no matter how heartbreaking the situation, appears to be unaffected emotionally. I struggled to see how he could function typically when I’m a mess. Regardless, we had a productive conversation where we shared our perspectives and left with mutual understanding and ideas to be more empathetic to the hurting people around us, including each other.

The next day, We left our house around 8:30pm to get frozen yogurt. We got our treat and headed to the car as it started to rain. Danny started to drive us home when I remembered we had something in the car to deliver to a friend in the town 5 miles away. We continued on the highway in the left lane when Danny suddenly yells, “There’s a person lying in the road!” Before I could process what he said, he pulled the car over and was in a dead sprint toward the woman lying lifeless on the road. I looked through the rain splashing off the window as my husband ran into oncoming traffic screaming at this person who was destined to be hit by a car if left untouched. Danny got to the woman and frantically asked if she could hear him. He saw that she was completely unresponsive and rushed to the nearby intersection to direct traffic away from the young woman as others pulled over and rushed to her aide.

There’s a lot more to the story, but that night I witnessed my husband in a light I had not seen before. As I watched Danny sob over the death of this girl he didn’t know, I immediately ate my words from the night before. He ran into traffic with vehicles moving between 60-70 miles per hour in the dark & rain. No one was protecting him from getting hit. My man reacted on instinct… and his instinct is overwhelming compassion.

Through the overwhelming heartbreak of this loss of life, God opened my eyes to my husband’s true, humble, character. He revealed to me who this man I love is when he has no time to think. No time to consider the potential hurt he could endure. Danny risked his life that night with the intent of saving another. My hope for our future is that before I criticize my partner for life for not being the male version of myself, I would remember his unbelievable bravery and sacrifice. That I would see through his gentle demeanor and know there is a man full of compassion; awake & affected by our heartbreak.

May it not take another tragedy to open my eyes to my selfishness and see the extent of the amazing gift I have in a spouse. Please pray for the young woman’s family as they cope with their unexpected loss.

Love,

Sarah

It’s a Wonderful Life Feat. Mother’s Day

I had a very “It’s a Wonderful Life” moment today as I thought about our upcoming holiday. I can’t even remember what we did for mother’s day last year. I’m sure we got my mom flowers and probably a gift for her garden. I can’t remember if I even spent the day with her or not. But shortly after that day last year, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. All of a sudden, we were thrown into a whirlwind of terrifying possibilities. The hardest part of her battle for me, by far, was coming to terms with the possibility that I may never see my mom healthy again. After we shaved her head, the thought consumed me that she might be bald the rest of her life. It was torturous, but brought me to a place of deep reflection. It reminds me a lot of the classic movie: It’s a Wonderful Life. A little different…because I didn’t resent my mom at all prior to her diagnosis and I certainly didn’t think I’d be better off without her. But I was complacent. She has ALWAYS been there for me. I never had to turn around and marvel at her presence. She was just there and life was good. Not many people get the opportunity to walk through hell and come back with their loved one. Not many have the chance to process the potential of never spending Christmas with their mom again but then get the opportunity after all. Though it was the darkest season we’ve endured together, it caused me to look at my mom with pure delight every time I see her.

All I see is her beautiful smile, her eccentric personality and the light that she radiates when she walks into a room. I can’t get enough of her. Ironically, we are spending this upcoming Saturday at a retreat for people who have survived cancer. It is my honor to spend the whole day reflecting on my mom and the season we are hopefully out of forever. God absolutely used the darkness of that season for good and I am so glad. Unfortunately, that’s what it takes most of the time. We aren’t naturally thankful. Sometimes it’s not until we are forced to process what we have lost (or could lose) until we realize what we had. Like a child that stops playing with a toy and another child takes a turn. You never anticipate losing something you care about until it’s gone. (And it’s the worst.) Though you can’t get yourself to that place, you can choose to be thankful. You can choose to stop whining about how your mom always gets you weird stuff from garage sales and instead say, “thank you for thinking of me”. You can call your mom and ask how her day is going rather than ignore her phone calls to you. Ultimately, you can make practical changes to show your mom you care. Wouldn’t that be the best Mother’s Day gift of all? She probably has enough gardening gloves, anyway.

Love,

Sarah

PS. I love you mom. I’m so glad you’re mine. Happiest Mother’s Day!

I am Sharing Sarah

I read a verse this morning and it spoke life into what I want this blog to exemplify:

“And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.” Hebrews 13:16

This verse stood out to me because sharing has never been easy for me. I like to have control over my story and how it is perceived. I have no problem pouring my heart out to people in my immediate circle, but past that causes me anxiety. I can’t control what you think of me or explain my way through life choices or struggles. To share without fear would mean handing over pieces of my life and allowing them to be examined by people I may not even know.

But God is good and full of mercy. He uses our stories to bring Him glory, if we give Him the opportunity. So, it really is a sacrifice for me to release my story and life happenings from my white knuckles and allow Him to use them to speak into the lives of others. But oh my, is it worth it. I love people and I have seen God use what may seem as “mundane” stories to reach the hardest of hearts and give them some rest. I sincerely hope He will do the same with mine.

Social media is a beautiful place to see the best of people. That is not what I want this place to be. I want you to see my true self: both the ugly and the beautiful. My good days and my hard days. With the hope that you can see God at work in my story, especially if you struggle to see Him at work in yours.

He uses what we give Him. So I am handing over the story of my days trusting He will be pleased with my offering of vulnerability. I hope God uses these words to show you an imperfect person seeking His glory. I hope He uses them to say to you what He audibly does not. And at the very least I hope you find yourself comforted to see another person with challenges and a cute puppy trying to figure stuff out.

I’m excited to be Sharing Sarah with you.

Love,

Sarah